Happy Halloween: Is Your Computer a Monster

Posted on Oct 31, 2011 in Computer Fun

Happy Halloween everyone!  In keeping with today’s theme of the scary and light-hearted I wanted to give you a chance to compare your computer to some of our favorite movie monsters from years gone by.  Then I will assign each monster computer an arbitrary Scared Nerd Rating so that you know how your computer will terrify your tech of choice.

Frankenstein’s Monster
We all know the story of Dr. Frankenstein; the mad scientist that dug up body parts or stole them from a morgue.  He took the body parts and stitched them together to create life from parts discarded by death.  How do you know if your computer is Frankenstein’s Monster?

Your computer is a mash-up of all of your old computers.  You’ve used the case from one computer, the motherboard and processor from another, any memory that you could find that would fit and the largest hard drive that Staples had on sale the week you installed your operating system.  The tower is white and the monitor is black, the keyboard is that odd tan color that white keyboards mysteriously become, and your mouse has very shiny buttons on it from years of over clicking.  You my friend are the owner of Frankenstein’s Monster, a hodgepodge of parts that needs a jolt of lightning to keep it running right.

While not truly terrifying, this computer may cause a tech a few nightmares because likely his first computer was a Frankenstein’s Monster.

Rating:  1 1/2 Scared Nerds

The Creature from the Black Lagoon
The Creature (as it will henceforth be called) is the supposed missing link between amphibians and mammals.  Living deep in the Amazon Rain Forest the basics of The Creature are these: he is slimy and scary and you do not want to touch him.  What computer could possibly be compared to The Creature?

Your computer has a variety of uses, not the least of which are foot stool, coffee table, and sneeze guard.  There are sticky stains on your tower that would make a Magic Eraser turn to dust.  From spilled coffee and coke to mud and other boot carried particulates, it’s a mess that no tech wants to go near.

As a rule the truly geeky have a serious problem with the overly sticky.  When presented with an unknown stickiness a tech may be overwhelmed completely with a terror unlike any other.

Rating:  4 Scared Nerds

Dracula
Dracula, the lead monster himself.  Anytime there is a movie or show or skit with a large group of monsters working together, Dracula is in charge.  Sneaking out of his coffin at night to drink the blood of his victims, he causes a horrible sickness to those he attacks until he decides to convert them into a monster themselves.  Are you keeping Dracula under your desk?

Your computer is fast, but lately it seems to run just a little slower than normal.  You don’t have antivirus installed and you think spyware is just a conspiracy to get you to install unnecessary software on your computer.  Little do you know that your computer is a vampire at work.  It’s leeching life giving bandwidth from the rest of the computers in your office to feed the viruses and spyware that are installed.  The other computers are running slower and slower while your computer bleeds their resources dry for it’s own nefarious plots.

A virus is your standard tech’s mortal enemy.  He will never admit fear of the virus, maybe just a healthy respect.  He’s seen the virus and he has the tools to handle it, but there’s no sense in being over confident.

Rating: 2 Scared Nerds

The Wolf Man
The story of The Wolf Man dates back to Ancient Greece, but a few specifics are always the same.  A trusted, usually upper class man by day and a hairy, fanged, monster by night (sometimes when the moon is full), The Wolf Man has become a sort of an allusion to everyone’s inner self, the true beast within.  Do you have the computer version of The Wolf Man?

Your computer is pristine.  From the monitor to the tower, the whole thing shines as though you wash and wax it every weekend.  Some people believe your computer may actually repel dirt, dust, and finger prints.  That is until they see what’s on the inside.

The hairy beast within your tower is every tech’s nightmare, I’m shuddering just typing this out; but at least it isn’t sticky.

Rating: 3 1/2 Scared Nerds

The Raven
The story of The Raven is one of the great horror tales of the last 200 years.   The storied bird shows up and refuses to be moved while the hero of the tale terrified himself with his own assumptions of what his feathered visitor is really trying to tell him.  Do you have a Raven haunting your workspace?

There is one computer in your office, you know which one it is, it’s the one that you always find a new use for.  It started out as the CEO’s computer when it was top of the line 10 years ago, then it moved to the intern’s desk 6 years later.  It’s latest use is as the break room PC for the staff to check their personal email and Facebook.

The tech secretly wishes that this computer will just go away, but somehow it keeps hanging around.  This computer could also be called The Zombie for it’s ability to continually come back from your company’s computer graveyard.

Rating:  2 1/2 Scared Nerds

I’d love to hear about your own Computer Monsters; perhaps The Mummy covered in paper or Jekyll and Hyde that is the perfect computer when others are around but a terror when it’s just you.  Leave your comments below.

Dennis Edmondson Jr
Computing Concepts LLC

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2 comments
michaelmorgan23
michaelmorgan23

Just reading about the Wolf Man computer brings back really bad memories. I remember working at an animal hospital where they kept the computers on the floor. They were absolutely full of dog and cat hair. That is not the worst part. They had the Mummy for a server. The manager decided that the server was too loud so she encased it in ceiling tiles. On all sides and the top. When it was finally discovered and uncased, it was a beast to bring back to running order. That is not the worst part either. Did I ever tell you about getting bit by the parrot they have? Yeah, that happened.